Kurzgeschichte John und Mary < Korrekturlesen < Englisch < Sprachen < Vorhilfe
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(Frage) beantwortet  | | Datum: | 13:28 So 01.02.2009 | | Autor: | aka05 |
| Aufgabe | | Kurzgeschichte schreiben, die Namen John und Mary verwenden (max. 2 Seiten) |
Hallo Leute
Ich hab mal eben ne Kurzgeschichte geschrieben und wollte mal wissen was ihr davon haltet und ob ihr event. Fehler findet.
Lord of the Elements (©by T. Baumgarte 2009)
Ice cold Drops of water were running down his body while he was taking a shower to wash away all of the sadness of the day. John could make them dance now but the picture of those children who died by a car accident still remains in his head. Mary, his wife was not able to give birth to any children, therefore he developed an extremely sensitive empathy for children, even if he has saved thousands of lifes over the years; when a child dies even if it is a hundred miles away he feels guilt and pain for them. His powers first showed up during the tragic day when he lost his mother. At the age of eight; he used to play all day long with his friends and of course he did not defy the time, thats why his mother had to take him home like every day. John had a queasy feeling that day and he was right, four men appeared to take his mothers money, they violently hit her and tried to rape her in front of his eyes. The fear he felt let him freeze immediately, paralyzed he was not able to help his mother. Then suddenly, the air was burning so hot that everything turns to dust and flames in the blink of an eye. As John regained consciousness, his mother was gone and he remained alone. From that day on he decided to safe lives instead of taking them and he became one of the leading scientists in the world. Mary, a beautiful young girl and not less bright as him was working for the same cooperation as John does for a few weeks now. He always had an eye on her but she never noticed him until the day, secrete case 1005 went out of control and attacked her. 1005 was a giant mutant cultured out of a Petri dish, which was used for testing new medications unless humans as test objects were not allowed by the government. The security door was tight shut as John flooded the room by creating a huge tsunami like wave in which 1005 had no chance to survive. Mary and John became a couple and soon they got married, moreover Mary was the only one who knows that John was the mysterious Lord of the Elements everyone was talking about. During this accident a few years ago John was not able to cover himself with this superhero like dress he usually wears. It was 10:30 a.m. as John woke up and found himself sitting in a chair. Slobber was coming through his lips and the room he was in seemed to be familiar and also completely strange. He felt weak; as he went to the door he opened it and watched down a long white floor. This building felt like a fortress but it actually wasnt. John was wearing a white suit which was similar to his scientist suit he was always wearing at the laboratory. Mary enters the room, John was not able to talk to her or even to give her a kiss, moreover Mary was not even attempting to kiss him. As she left the room, John carefully listen through the door and heard Marys words while she was talking to someone else those disabled people must be very happy, yesterday John was running around in a self-made superhero like suit with a towel as a cape and a bucket on his head. He made his neighbour Frank, the big one, all wet when he used his water gun on him. Frank cowered himself together and pretended to be dead so John would stop shooting. Mary noticed Johns shiny eyes when he was acting like that, especially when she was spending some time to help him out at the sheltered workshop. Those words of Mary burned his ears like fire, he used to be the caretaker of humanity and now it seems like he has lost everything. John thought that he had to regain his powers at any cost, maybe not all of them are gone and he is still able to control air and earth. On the next day, while Mary was on her daily inspection walkway, she noticed the widely open door of Johns room 1004. As she took a small glance in she saw that both windows were widely opened up and the wind was twirling the curtains while John was not inside. Eventually this is not a jail! As Mary left she said to herself well, maybe John is playing one of his games or he is picking on Frank again. I wish I could be as happy as John one day, those disabled retards do not have any problems!
Ich habe diese Frage in keinem Forum auf anderen Internetseiten gestellt.
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(Antwort) fertig  | | Datum: | 11:38 Sa 07.02.2009 | | Autor: | Lucs |
Lord of the elements.
Ice cold Drops of water were running down his body while he was taking a shower to wash away all of the sadness of the day. John could make them dance now but the picture of those children who died by a car accident still remains in his head. Mary, his wife was not able to give birth to any children, therefore he developed an extremely sensitive empathy for children, even if he has saved thousands of lifes(lives) over the years; when a child dies even if it is a hundred miles away he feels guilt and pain for them. His powers first showed up during the tragic day when he lost his mother. At the age of eight; he used to play all day long with his friends and of course he did not defy the time, thats why his mother had to take him home like every day. John had a queasy feeling that day and he was right, four men appeared to take his mothers money, they violently hit her and tried to rape her in front of his eyes. The fear he felt let him freeze immediately, paralyzed he was not able to help his mother. Then suddenly, the air was burning so hot that everything turns to dust and flames in the blink of an eye. As John regained consciousness, his mother was gone and he remained alone. From that day on he decided to safe lives instead of taking them and he became one of the leading scientists in the world. Mary, a beautiful young girl and not less bright as him was working for the same cooperation as John does for a few weeks now. He always had an eye on her but she never noticed him until the day, secrete case 1005 went out of control and attacked her. 1005 was a giant mutant cultured out of a Petri dish, which was used for testing new medications unless humans as test objects were not allowed by the government. The security door was tight shut as John flooded the room by creating a huge tsunami like wave in which 1005 had no chance to survive. Mary and John became a couple and soon they got married, moreover Mary was the only one who knows that John was the mysterious Lord of the Elements everyone was talking about. During this accident a few years ago John was not able to cover himself with this superhero like dress he usually wears. It was 10:30 a.m. as John woke up and found himself sitting in a chair. Slobber was coming through his lips and the room he was in seemed to be familiar and also completely strange. He felt weak; as he went to the door he opened it and watched down a long white floor. This building felt like a fortress but it actually wasnt. John was wearing a white suit which was similar to his scientist suit he was always wearing at the laboratory. Mary enters the room, John was not able to talk to her or even to give her a kiss (and) moreover Mary was not even attempting to kiss him. As she left the room, John carefully listen through the door and heard Marys words while she was talking to someone else those disabled people must be very happy, yesterday John was running around in a self-made superhero like suit with a towel as a cape and a bucket on his head. He made his neighbour (neighbor) Frank, the big one, all wet when he used his water gun on him. Frank cowered himself together and pretended to be dead so John would stop shooting. Mary noticed Johns shiny eyes when he was acting like that, especially when she was spending some time to help him out at the sheltered workshop. Those words of Mary burned his ears like fire, he used to be the caretaker of humanity and now it seems like he has lost everything. John thought that he had to regain his powers at any cost, maybe not all of them are gone and he is still able to control air and earth. On the next day, while Mary was on her daily inspection walkway, she noticed the widely open door of Johns room 1004. As she took a small glance in she saw that both windows were widely opened up and the wind was twirling the curtains while John was not inside. Eventually this is not a jail! As Mary left she said to herself well, maybe John is playing one of his games or he is picking on Frank again. I wish I could be as happy as John one day, those disabled retards do not have any problems!
3 Fehler: 2 Schreibfehler
1 Grammatikfehler
Viele Grüße Lucs
Oberflächlig
--> keine zeiten
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(Mitteilung) Reaktion unnötig  | | Datum: | 12:14 Sa 07.02.2009 | | Autor: | priyanka |
Hallo,
Hier wurden leider viele Fehler nicht gesehen! Es sind viele Wechsel in den Zeiten drin und an den Stellen, wo diese Wechsel nötig wären, fehlen sie (Mittelteil!). Außerdem sind einige sprachliche Unebenheiten und Logiklöcher vorhanden...
LG, Priyanka
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(Mitteilung) Reaktion unnötig | | Datum: | 12:23 Sa 07.02.2009 | | Autor: | Lucs |
sry hab nur auf die rechtschreibung und einfahe gramatik geachtet
--> oberflächlige Korektur
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